1/31 Negative thought patterns and rewards

I keep working through Full Stack Open. I'm getting to the point where I'm sometimes barely understanding what we're doing, but figure I should probably just try and push through it in the hopes that if I go through the same material again, or cover the Node section in the Odin Project, that things will eventually sink in.
It's really hard to figure out which parts are "talking" to MongoDB through Mongoose objects, and which parts are dialogue between the server and the test or whatever. Then, the tests themselves are Jest and/or supertest...

Anyway, I keep oscillating between sometimes thinking
"I'm just not cut out for this. I'm never going to get a job, and if I do get a job I'll hate it, so: maybe I should just give up" 
and
"Hey, actually I'm pretty good at this, and I'm making a lot of progress, and that's what I wanted, and the job part can come in time anyway"

I was watching Fun Fun Function yesterday, and there was this video about negative thought patterns: how they're habits. Habits have a trigger, the habit itself, and then the reward. 

Thinking about what my habitual thought patterns are, and what the actual reward is, I realized that one of my main habits is just, giving up. Telling myself that I'm going to fail so I should give up. And the reward for giving up is not having to try, not having to fail, and not having to be rejected.

Of those, I think I mind the having to try part the least. After all, that's what I'm successfully doing each day, at least to some extent. 4 or so hours a day of trying. It's the failure and rejection that bother me. What if I talk to someone who knows about programming, and I can't understand a word they're saying. What if someone viewing my code, and they think it's terrible. Why if I apply for a job, and they don't give me a chance.