black_vampire_kitty

6. has been probably the biggest and most rewarding mindfuck since I started learning Japanese in college. In March 2020, I was just starting to figure out HTML and CSS. Now, I can also use Javascript, React and Vue, Node.js, MySQL, MongoDB, PHP/Laravel, Python...and some other stuff that I'm forgetting to mention. I've got a good enough grounding that I made a thing that worked in PHP and Vue in a week, without any background in either of those. The idea of learning another language doesn't phase me at all. I'm no longer afraid of the command line. I use the command line probably 6/7 days of the week.

I'm really at the point now where I look at boot camp curriculum and think, I already did most of this. I tried to enter a 1:1 school and they bumped me over to an internship instead in a matter of weeks. The company is now offering to pay me. I'm kind of making a CMS by myself right now. I think it has its problems, but it works.

So, what do I want to do? I listened to a podcast recently that talked about the sunk cost fallacy, and I'm sure there's also a "discouraging yourself to prevent making any failures" fallacy. What we need to do is look at now, and think: what do I want to do now?

I want to finish hiking the trail. I want to visit my husband's grandmas. I want to work full or part time as a programmer.

I could: hike the rest of the trail in one or two trips after mid-September. Start applying for jobs at about the same timing. We can visit the grandmas when there's a long enough holiday, since husband has national holidays and Sundays off and I want to apply for not shift work anyway.

I could: try to angle for a position remotely with current company if it comes with health insurance.

I could: start applying for jobs now, and just say I want to start work in October because I'll be fully vaccinated. Same as first plan.

Worry and fear

I'm worried about disappointing people at my current part time job, because...we moved here for this. I'm worried about starting a full time position and not liking it, because of the commute, or stressful coworkers, or long hours, or just because it's not something I get to do in my spare time anymore, it's job. I'm worried about not being able to go hike or see people because it's hard to ask for time off once you're in a position.

Counterpoint
OK. We moved here for this, now I physically go to the center of the action twice a week, and now my husband has a much better job. Worth it. Even if I get another job, that doesn't have to end. It could be voluntary, it could be remote, it could be less times a week or a couple times a month. I still get to be more involved than I would have been otherwise.

And let's be honest: I don't actually enjoy working with customers or answering questions most of the time, but that's kind of the point of the position a lot of the time. And that's actually OK! Doesn't want to be an English teacher? OK! Doesn't want to answer the phones? OK! Doesn't want to carry around people's luggage and tell them where the baths are? OK! When you don't enjoy a job, you can do another job. And no one should be super bothered because you were willing to take two days a week, for quite a while.

Similarly, it is true that working full time would be an adjustment, but you've adjusted to all kinds of schedules over the years. Also, no way in hell you're going to be apply to be a regular full time worker. The idea is part time or contract, to somewhere that explicitly says no overtime, and bail if it sucks. Also also, let's not forget the part where recently you got *super depressed* and figured out that probably the reason was because current internship wasn't giving you any work?

Seeing people can happen on national holidays because the people you want to see/go with are on the same schedule.

And hiking? 300 kilometers divided by 25 km per day is 12 days, divided by 20 km per day is 15 days. That is a matter of two weeks.

So yeah, all in all, this sounds like a good plan, so maybe it's time to start taking baby steps toward getting ready!

Thinking about what my habitual thought patterns are, and what the actual reward is, I realized that one of my main habits is just, giving up. Telling myself that I'm going to fail so I should give up. And the reward for giving up is not having to try, not having to fail, and not having to be rejected.

Of those, I think I mind the having to try part the least. After all, that's what I'm successfully doing each day, at least to some extent. 4 or so hours a day of trying. It's the failure and rejection that bother me. What if I talk to someone who knows about programming, and I can't understand a word they're saying. What if someone viewing my code, and they think it's terrible. Why if I apply for a job, and they don't give me a chance.